Marie and Joe

by: Bryan Perkins

One line, one line, one line.

Please please please.

Longest fucking minute of my life. Seriously. Just show me one line please.

Ding.

Pleeease…

Two lines.

How could this happen? No one is going to believe me when I tell them.

*             *             *

You can do this Marie. You can do this.

“Joe. I’m pregnant.”

“You’re what?”

“Pregnant.”

“But we haven’t even had sex. Fuck Marie, how could you do this?”

“That’s the thing. I don’t know how I could do this.”

“Is that some sort of insanity defense? Bullshit.”

“No, it’s not like that. Joe, I haven’t been with anyone else either.”

“What are you saying?”

“I’m saying that I don’t know how I could be pregnant considering I haven’t been sleeping with anyone.”

“Ha, ha, ha. Very fucking funny Marie. And I parted the Red sea with my ark full of unicorns.”

“I knew you wouldn’t believe me but I had to tell you anyway.”

“Whatever. Look, I have to go do something. So you just give me a call when you remember who the father is and want to tell me the truth.”

*             *             *

I’ll show him who’s telling the truth, asshole.

Marie sits at her computer desk and opens Google in the web browser.

Search:

Virgin Birth|

Hmmm, Virgin Mary, no. Jesus, no… Virgin Birth Enterprises?

Deus ex Machina inc. is proud to present Virgin Birth Enterprises for all of your cloning needs.

Who else could I ask? It’s worth a try.

*             *             *

“Hello, um, Marie. Please have a seat.”

“Thank you Dr. …”

“Dr. Elena Revazova. I see here that you are interested in the cloning packages we have to offer.”

“Yes Dr. Revazova, how exactly does cloning work?”

“Well, what we do is take the nucleus from one of your cells and insert it into an enucleated egg cell. That cell is then stimulated so it enters mitosis and a new organism develops. At this particular facility we give consumers the option to implant the clone in a carrier, to carry the clone to term themselves, or to implant the clone in an artificial womb to undergo synthetic placental development. While the artificial womb option is still experimental, our artificial wombs are the most advanced wombs offered by any major cloning corporation and we offer consumers both a belly button and a no belly button option. All the work at Virgin Birth Enterprises is done with an astonishing eighty-eight percent success rate, and you pay for the work no matter the outcome of the procedure.”

“Wow. That’s a bit…”

“Overwhelming? We get that all the time. Not surprising considering we are at the forefront of scientific and technological advances in the cloning industry.”

“Let me ask you this, Dr. Revazova. Have you ever heard of an actual virgin birth?”

“Not again, how do they keep letting you religious nut-jobs in here to interrupt my work.”

“Wait, it’s not like that. I didn’t mean ‘virgin birth’. I meant… Like, have you ever heard of someone who knows they have not had sex recently enough to be pregnant?”

“Ma’am, I do not have time for this.”

“Please, I need your help. I don’t know how this happened to me.”

“Ok, but If I will only answer your question if you promise to leave my office?”

“Please, I’ll do anything.”

“The word you are looking for is parthenogenesis. I know of some lizards, birds, and beetles that can reproduce without male DNA, but I have never even heard of natural parthenogenesis in the lower mammals, much less in primates.”

“What about the Virgin Mary?”

“Barring the fact that the Bible is hardly a source of scientific evidence, if the story actually happened how it was told then it is definitely not parthenogenesis.”

“How can you tell?”

“Parthenogenesis in humans will always produce female offspring; Jesus would have been the daughter of God if parthenogenesis was the case.”

“How do I know if it happened to me?”

“A simple DNA comparison between mother and daughter would do the trick.”

“Thank you so much Doctor. If there is anything I can do.”

*             *             *

Riiiiing. Rinnnnng. Rrrrring. Riiiiing. Rinnnnng. Rrrrring.

“This is Joe, leave a message.”

Beeeeep.

“Hey Joe. It’s Marie. I know it has been a few months, but I wanted to let you know the DNA results finally came in. They show that I have been telling you the truth the whole time. I’m the father Joe…”

Click.

“Wait, Marie.”

Boop boop boop boop.